i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
