I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
my shit smells like andre
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
