Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize