I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
