I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
