She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
