Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
you never un-have a 4some
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
