dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
