sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
