Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
