she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
