I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
