I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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