Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
