put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
