the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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