I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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