It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
