College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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