I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
