and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
