he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
