Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
