I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
