Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
