Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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