Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
