Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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