I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I supernannyed him into submission
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize