Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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