I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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