i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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