I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
