you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
no you cant smoke seaweed
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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