...so i touched it.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize