And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
