when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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