I wanna bring you to show and tell
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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