and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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