I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
