You really coming over, don't trick.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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