onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Randomize
