very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize