my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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