the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
