I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
