Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
