I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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