mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize