I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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