that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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