checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
