They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
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