D3 body, D1 cock
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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