One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
