I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize