i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
